November 13, 2007
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College
Day Eighty NineDear Journal,
Having been at college for a little while now (ninety days is a standard trial period, I think), and having met a lot of very different people here, I’ve become rather confused as to who I am and ought to be. In the past, I’ve played a variety of different characters, some less pleasant than others. Yet I’m not sure I’ve ever truly been myself, and this probably because I’m not sure I actually know myself.Many times, people have described me. I’ve been a learner, an artist, a philosopher, a behind-the-scenes person, a leader, a follower, a friend, an enemy, an accomplice, and a host of other things. I’ve been secretive. I’ve been honest. Never have I really been a distinct individual, though. Some would say it’s just a normal teenager thing, but I have plenty of friends who have very distinct, individual personalities, and not just in a superficial way.
But how does someone know who they really are, and how does one develop as an individual? I could be a quiet purveyor of brilliantly profound one-liners who benevolently and enigmatically directs people and situations with deep wisdom. I could be an outgoing, sociable person who everyone loves and enjoys, and who in some way is in constant influence and is connected to the people around him. I could really be any personality I want to be, if I set my mind to it.
Then there’s the issue that I’m really a different person in different circumstances. I shift from life-of-the-party socialite to sober-minded counselor and back again in the blink of an eye. I change perspectives so often that I really can’t be fit into any one box. There is no single, finite personality that is right for every situation, and consequently I try in every situation to become the right personality for it. I am thoroughly a chameleon, adapting and changing my appearance in every situation. The trouble is, I’m so good at blending in that I can’t really discern what I look like.
What defines a person? What is the source of a personality? How am I supposed to find myself amidst the chaos of a thousand other students and an endless supply of changing situations?
Life is so confusing…
Comments (16)
Don’t worry about it Caleb. It’s all predestined by God. You have no choice. Just go with the flow.
I have gone the same thing myself, because I also change from
situation to situation. But since everyone is unique, I can’t give you
any clear direction or answers. I just want to share a couple thoughts
and questions that I have dealt with.
Who am I in Christ?
What are my spiritual gifts?
“I have become all things to all people so that I might win some for Christ”-Paul
You should not put God in a box. Frankly, you can’t, because He is infinite.
Since humans change and Christians have the indwelling of the infinite
Holy Spirit, you cannot put yourself or any other humans in a box. You
cannot label anyone.
Make it your life’s goal to love Jesus and seek union with Him and you will become who you were created to be, yourself, Caleb.
Hopefully that helps a little.
BTW College changes everyone, that is the main point of college,
learning and growing. So don’t think you are alone in your thoughts and
feelings.
Well I can see where you’re coming from, in college you’re all the same age and lost in a huge crowd. I suppose a person can be described many ways, but ultimately it’s not how others describe you that matters, it’s what you think of yourself. Only one person looks excatly like you… you. Only one person thinks and acts exactly like you, though many seem similar. It’s much easier to see when you’re out there in the real world working and whatnot, but wherever you are… nobody is as you as you will ever be
Why do you have to pick just one personality? Can’t you be them all?
If you weren’t confused, I’d be worried.
It’s been pretty tough for me to understand that my identity is in Jesus, and that I need to own that identity and walk in it. In this world there are so many labels, so many things you could (or could not) be, that it’s easy to get lost in those deadly words of, “Who am I?” Sometimes though, I don’t think we need to know what we are. We just need to know what we love, and Who we love. God will direct you, Caleb. These are years of self discovery, and they are not easy, but they are necessary. You may never understand completely who you are, but I don’t think you will always have so much unrest.
Prayers for you..
RYC – I’m glad you saw the humor. I was hoping you would. Seriously, I’ll keep you in prayer. God bless.
I’ve wrestled with exactly the same thing… and still am wrestling…
One thing I’ve noticed is that I experience less of this problem when I am close to God (spending significant time with Him in the morning/evening in His Word, spending time in prayer, submitting to what I know He wants me to do) and more of this problem when I am spending lots of time with other people. The “ratio” is surprisingly related.
“Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart”. 1 Samuel 16:7
“And He said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of men, but God knows your hearts; for that which is highly esteemed among men is detestable in the sight of God.” Luke 16:15
“How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and you do not seek the glory that is from the one and only God?” John 5:44
You are a beloved son of the King (and of me
). Preach the gospel to yourself, son! As long as you know whose you are, He’ll help you figure out who you are. (And what’s so bad about flexability and diversity?) After all, college is all about figuring out who you are and what your strengths and weaknesses are. (That’s why I’m not a math teacher
.) I’ll be praying for you and you might talk to somebody in the counseling center or at your church there. Sometimes an objective 3rd party can help in processing all the “stuff”. Love, Mom
Praying for you. . .
Caleb, what you are experiencing is all part of the grand college experience, and is, I believe, exhacerbated by the fact that you are a TCK. TCKs tend to become chameleons, because of the need to shift cutures so often; just ask your sisters! You are a unique individual, created in Christ Jesus for specific good works which He has prepared beforehand for you to do (Eph 2:10) and your identity does not need to fit in anybody’s box – it needs to be who you are in Christ, coupled with your gifts, experiences and calling. That may look different from time to time, but God will guide you through it all if yoou abide in Him. Looking at John 15, where Jesus talks about abiding in Him as the vine, think about it – the branches of a vine don’t strain to produce fruit – their task is to be connected to the vine and drink from it. The fruit comes not through what you do – it comes from who you are! A connected branch will bear fruit, while one that is not connected will struggle and wither. Keep in the Word, PRAY, and seek wise counsel, not so much from peers as from those who have gone through your experience and come out with a clear sense of identity. I suspect in moments of honesty, many of those you look at and think they have it all together are more insecure in their identity than you, and they have chosen a well-designed mask to hide that insecurity. You are special, and you are loved. What a wonderful identity!
you are who you are, and who you are is who you want to be, and who you want to be is based on what choices you make about your actions and behavior…
just be who you want to be, for it is the man who decides his path (the Lord guides his steps, but thats a different story)…
hey kiddo, how’s things?
Dude, your font…hurts.
Hey Caleb,
I seen you visited today….I hope college is going well and I’m sure this is a much needed break.
I hope you had a great Christmas also.